Due to my circumstances I’m making this post via this contraption we call an iPhone.
I have gone over and over in my mind what to say and how to say it and I haven’t got a clue. (Typing with my thumbs is a definite disadvantage.) š
I’ve been from piller to post over the last month, makin’ plans, huntin’, gatherin’, fallin’ down repeatedly and gettin’ back up.
Surely y’all see, feel, realize and know that I ain’t simply just gettin’ back up.
Don’t you?
Obviously y’all know that each one of you form a collective force in my world that is composed of hope, assurance, light, energy, patience, and undying support in my absence and my presence.
Don’t you?
Undoubtedly-you must know that Y’ALL pull me back up with your arms of love and kindness.
Don’t you?
Most assuredly y’all know that every like, every word in every line, every sentiment embodies me and drives me forward in ways I just can not adequately express.
I have not made a post in a long while and I have to say it feels like I’ve been running around with a half-empty glass. I’ve missed y’all more than words can adequately express.
I want to first thank, with all my heart, Americana Injustica for her guest post in my absence and CTC for their unending support while I’ve been away. I would have been lost a few times without you.
My intentions were to make a post announcing that I would be leaving for vacation at the end of the June, however, things got a little hairy and I decided to make a swift exit. I honestly believed that by the time I returned things would be better (naĆÆve, I know) and needless to say when I arrived at the intended destination my ridiculously tense, stressed, brow un-furrowed.Ā The best feeling in the world was leaving home and all the shit that goes along with it; watching, as as the ‘crazy train’ grew smaller in the rear view mirror felt good.Ā I had no idea the shit storm I’d be returning to. (Yes I know that’s a preposition)
I was determined to get my children out of the toxic environment their father infused into the atmosphere and into “different”, for the lack of a better description, if only for a short time. Even though we no longer live with our abuser, we continue to suffer from his unbelievable reach thanks to the family courts. More on that issue another time.
We started this endeavor with the intention of being away for seven days (thank you Daddy) which turned into fourteen days for reasons I can’t really go into, but I will say that vacation was not the only agenda. I hope that I will be able to shed some light on the whole, screwed up, story once it’s over but as it stands, it’s still a work in progress so to speak.
My travels have ended, however, that’s temporary. I am not sure how long I will be able to make posts due to having to re-locate, but I am going to take advantage of the time I do have.
I am safe with plans to be safer. š
My children and I traveled with fun and tension release in mind and we made it together.Ā I sucked every minute of the distraction free time I could get with them. I visited with my son Carey. He doesn’t have internet yet, but he does send his love.
I love y’all and I’ve missed y’all very much.
I was not in an electronically friendly environment for quite some time although I did get emails via the phone.Ā I want those of you who supported me through email to know how grateful I am that I have friends like you. I mean that.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate everyone here and I am sorry if I caused even a tiny bit of worry.
Now….. it’s time to make my rounds and catch up on a few blogs, I’ve missed a lot and I want to say hello. š
Hello everyone: happy Saturday to all of you ever-supportive people who visit my dear friend Teela Hartās blog regularly, I am Americana Injustica ā and Teela is my right hand. I am simply here as a guest blogger in her absence, to keep her stats up (just kidding, we donāt need no stinking statsā¦) ā to keep her spirits up. She struggles.
Some of you know, Tee is away for a time, to find some strength in the peace and quiet of āanywhere but hereāā¦Iād like to report that she is on vacation, but I suspect that would be a gross mislabeling of her ongoing necessity to live in FEAR.
I donāt know how many of Teelaās readers have lived it to be here reading this now (likely quite a few Iām sure ā myself included), but I can say there are a lot of us out there. Too many have experienced āterrorismā or ātraumaā in its most cruel and raw form ā within the walls of a place called āhomeā. Too many realize too late that they have entered a mind-phuq zone from which there is little hope of escaping; too many never make it out alive. TRUTH.
Today, I am strong.
Today, I am free.
Today, I can hold the light out in front of myself and the masses of shivering, terrified Survivors of Trauma who walk, newly freed, along a very crumbly trail at my back into a life of their very own.
Today, I have survived.
Despite my motivation and the fire within me to move others to safety, I was once the epitome of a victim, not a survivor. I was broken by my ex-husband in ways I honestly perceived as being permanent during the recovery from my traumatic injuryā¦life never seemed to have the same feel as it did before being so brutally betrayed by someone I had loved, shared marriage and children with, and committed myself to. I thought I had it bad, as a newborn survivor of my near-fatal marriage.
But Teelaā¦.
Itās hard for me to really put it into words when it comes to Tee; when she and I first met, she said (and I quote), āā¦my story pales in comparison to yoursā¦ā, a line that I have never forgotten for a single moment since, as a very telling aspect of her personality and perception of Self.
She thinks she hasnāt been through shit; as if sheās not worthy to be called a Cut Throat Survivor sometimes, she forgets that she can be free, she somehow still doesnāt see herself for all that she isā¦it baffles me. I love her fiercely for this reason: she is so innocent and pure, untainted by the YEARS and YEARS of Hell she lived inside of ā still open and willing somehowā¦still so very human in every wayā¦
If ever there was a woman out there in the world who I would stab an abusive mfāer in his neck for ā itās Tee.
Teela has never been acknowledged for her long-term strife as a domestic hostage of someone she loved and committed herself to, because sheās built that way: to keep her word.
Sheās earned my undying respect and admiration through her impenetrable strength at the clubhouse; she is our āmouseā of the house, but her voice, although very quiet and soft-spoken, carries distances that none of the rest of us can maintain, because we arenāt Teela Hart.
This is just my way of trying to publicly blast her TRUTHS while she canāt defend herself and be all humble in her customary ways. She would probably never let this post through if she was editing, but sheās not so Iām running with itā¦
Teen Survivor or TS-is a tender young survivor who needs our support today. She is a beautiful diamond in the rough just like the rest of us. You are not alone TS!
We are fast approaching the end of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.Ā The hurt in this young lady’s eyes is clear, however, she found her voice and I would like to share it with you.Ā The video brought tears to my eyes as I listened to her sing about her own personal hell and her desire to prevent this tragedy from being cycled to her baby girl.
