I’m in a mountain region gettin slammed by 50 mph winds and a windchill expected to be -30 degrees.
My head hurts and my ears are popping and I’m more than a little nervous right now.
That’s me, I’m FINE. It ain’t pretty in here today so for that I’m sorry. Younger or sensitive readers might want to look away.
I suppose that this would be what one might call a dear *Jon* letter if *Jon* was the one gettin’ it. But, he ain’t. The blog is.
There are just a few things I want to say to that son-of-a-bitch. (He always hated it when someone called him that, he took it as a personal slight to his mother; God rest her soul.) She was no bitch; I just get great satisfaction out of knowing that he hates the hell out of it.
I always said that I wouldn’t be like his mother, but what the fuck do you know, I turned out just like her. 19 years with my father-in-law (God rest his soul) and she left him. Some 5 years later, she died with cancer and a few years after that he died. My beef ain’t with them. I’m sorry they were both afflicted with whatever virus infects abusers/victims/survivors.
I wish that I could change all of that shit, but that ain’t gonna happen because it’s a man’s fuckin’ world. Sorry men, but I’m not in the best of moods these days. Try not to take it too personal.
I’m in no mood for moving poems, poetic phrases or words, wit, read between the lines bullshit and I for sure ain’t here to paint a pretty fucking picture. The whole godamned thing is a revolting, stomach churning, pathetic ranting of someone who’s just FINE.
Why the fuck did you do this to me? I’ve lost everything and have nothing left but this fucked up life that I’m gonna have to box up into tiny parts and ship to some un-fucking-known part of this shitty little world I live in and start all over again.
I take particular offense to that Jon.
I don’t like it at all. The kids don’t like it. Nobody particularly likes going into hiding and looking over their shoulder at every turn. I’m pretty sure I’m right about that.
You are really gonna go fuckin’ ballistic when I skip town with your kids in tow because you couldn’t keep your dicked up ego in check.
I loved your sorry motherfucking ass, and a very, very tiny little part still does and I hate your motherfucking ass for that too.
I gave you EVERYTHING you wanted, I told you EVERY ONE OF MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS and you used them against me.
I no longer have anyone to lift heavy boxes and open jars and shit and I’m pissed about that.
I had to change my own oil in the jeep and I’m really pissed about that too.
If someone talks shit to me on the street I have to MAN UP and I’m a fuckin’ woman and I’m pissed about that.
I have to change my own flat tires and I’m superbly pissed about that.
I have to haul in the groceries, put them away and cook ’em and that really burns my ass.
You have the fucking nerve to call 30 times a damn day and if I don’t answer, you’re at my fuckin’ door.
I can’t take it anymore man, I can’t take it, it’s killing me slowly.
That’s funny ain’t it y’all?
He’s still killing me. Every minute of every day. Killing me.
With guilt I shouldn’t have to bear.
With fear I shouldn’t have to live with.
With trying to pull magic dust, money, what-the-fuck-ever outta my ass to leave here.
I’m dyin’. Every day. Right before your very eyes.
I hope you’re happy Jon.
My greatest fear of all the fears in my life is that there will never be one who feels this for me.
“If I should think of love
I’d think of you, your arms uplifted,
Tying your hair in plaits above,
The lyre shape of your arms and shoulders,
The soft curve of your winding head.
No melody is sweeter, nor could Orpheus
So have bewitched. I think of this,
And all my universe becomes perfection.
But were you in my arms, dear love,
The happiness would take my breath away,
No thought could match that ecstasy,
No song encompass it, no other worlds.
If I should think of love,
I’d think of you.”
No one has ever gotten anywhere near the proverbial door to my heart save one and I’m sure he doesn’t even know it himself.
It’s been raining all day and will continue to do so all night along with thunder and lightning.
In light of my most recent visitor, I guess I’ll hunker down with my military mace, blade and 12 gauge. Oh, well. Long night ahead.
Thunderclap as I type.
Try as I might I cannot find it within my heart to write about any of the woes of my past, or stats related to domestic violence. The only thing I can do at this point is write about absolutely nothing of true value. I’m heavy and weary and desperately trying to break free from the hurts of the past. I desire to shed the skin of recurrent failure and put on a new suit. A suit of life, love and beauty. I could rant on about the sorry state of the world and the sorry state of all things deplorable, but I got nothin’.
So, I set out today to find inspiration for my writer’s block and nada. Although irritation did rear it’s ugly head when I got stuck in the rush hour hell and watched the traffic light change not once, not twice, but thrice before I realized that this numbskull had decided to give a ticket to some poor soul at a traffic light. He couldn’t just follow the man to a better destination. Oh, no, he had to do it right then and right there.
It just happened to be 90 degrees today, my A/C is broken, I had to piss like a champion race horse and I was holding my legs together tighter than Dick’s hat band.
Of course, the cussin’ started when no one would allow me to go over to the next lane to get around this foolish doler outer of justice.
Finally, I very kind fellow sojourner allowed me to gain entrance in the lane beside me so I could get around this ridiculous debacle and I headed straight for the Sonic where I procured a large chocolate shake and took a much-needed piss.
I decided at that point that I would go to the nearby park and sit under the shade tree (actually lay in the grass), suck down my chocolate shake with a vengeance and enjoy the view.(Of the sky)
I took a pic of a pretty tree with pretty clouds and I felt better. 😉
Did anything come to mind? Nope
Did my empty head think of anything great to write? Nope
Did I enjoy the peace and serenity of the beauty of nature? Yep
The remarkable hardness of sapphires—9 on the Mohs scale is the second hardest mineral, right behind the diamond at 10.
I took this photo of the sun and it reminds me so much of the Star Sapphire. It’s beauty is beyond words.
I love your heart
I love your soul
I love your mind
And all it holds
I love the way
You make me feel
I love the fact
That you are real
I love the warmth
Even in your hottest state
I love the fact that
In your eyes
Reflect the star
In the sky
I see in you
Twelve point star
Tried and true
Strong and hard
Gentle and kind
True and blue
In my mind
This is for you ❤