Teela Hart

Surviving Domestic Violence


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Coalition Against Domestic Violence


 These are the Safety Guidelines written by the Coalition Against Domestic Violence.I do not claim any authorshipl

Hotline Number: 1-800- 799-SAFE (7233)
TDD Number: 1-800-787-3224

Domestic and Sexual Violence Research Group Safety Strategies Workbook http://www.dvsafetyplanning.org/.

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1-800-656-HOPE

Personalized Safety Plan
Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe. The resources in this book can help you to make a safety plan that works best for you. It is important to get help with your safety plan.

If you are in an abusive relationship, think about…

  1. Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.

  2. Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.

  3. How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.

  4. Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.

  5. Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.

  6. Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house – taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.

  7. Going over your safety plan often.

If you consider leaving your abuser, think about…

  1. Four places you could go if you leave your home.

  2. People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.

  3. Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.

  4. Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.

  5. How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house – taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.

  6. How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.

  7. Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.

ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE click here to print check list.

bullet Children (if it is safe)
bullet Money
bullet Keys to car, house, work
bullet Extra clothes
bullet Medicine
bullet Important papers for you and your children
bullet Birth certificates
bullet Social security cards
bullet School and medical records
bullet Bankbooks, credit cards
bullet Driver’s license
bullet Car registration
bullet Welfare identification
bullet Passports, green cards, work permits
bullet Lease/rental agreement
bullet Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
bullet Insurance papers
bullet Protective Order, divorce papers, custody orders
bullet Address book
bullet Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
bullet Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
  1. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.

If you have left your abuser, think about…

  1. Your safety – you still need to.

  2. Getting a cell phone. Getting a Protective Order from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.

  3. Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.

  4. Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.

  5. Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a Protective Order protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.

  6. Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a Protective Order that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.

  7. Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.

  8. Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.

  9. Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.

  10. Going over your safety plan often.

WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim’s lives. When abusers feel a loss of control – like when victims try to leave them – the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.

 


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Breaking The Bond


I spent 19 years “hanging on every word” believing EVERY TIME he finally got it and I cannot tell you how good if feels to be on the other side of it.
Thank you Tela. This is a must read.
Get out and go on. Please go check out Tela’s site.  She is an insightful sister-survivor with a wealth of wisdom to offer.

SociopathHell.Com

………one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

How many times have you sat there thinking ‘if only’, ‘why did they, and ‘how can I’? Focusing on these questions, and several more gets you nowhere. How do you get to the point to where you can once and for all let go of all the deep feelings of love, wanting and needing? How to do you replace the constant thoughts about your ex?

The first and most important step is to recognize & accept, you are/were not involved with a person who is emotionally connected to LIFE as you know it. They are constantly on the outside looking in, without being able to connect with a conscience. With you accepting that your Sociopath will never, ever understand what their words and behaviour has done, is completely unacceptable.  No matter how much love, compassion, understanding , empathy, you have…

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Onslaught *Heavy Triggers*


I cannot force anyone to understand domestic violence if they have never experienced it. However, I can most assuredly give a sneak peek into the life of a DV victim/survivor and hope that someone will open their mouths or quite simply click the share button. To remain silent is to be complicit in this crime.  I’m just sayin’.  One more thing.  I lived for  nineteen years in domestic violence, I escaped, and I had to watch and think on these things as I made this post.  Remember that.

 

Now take a deep breath and move on to the next one.

 

Take your time, clear you head and keep watching.

 

Enraging isn’t it?

 

As painful as it is to watch this tragedy multiply that by infinity and you’ll begin to understand how painful it is to live it.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please visit http://www.nomore.org for a list of domestic violence centers specific to your location. You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at http://www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you feel you are in immediate danger contact your local law enforcement by calling in the U.S. 911


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Say No More to Sexual Assault


Please feel free to reblog, retweet, FB or all three.

There is only one way to break the silence and bring this ever growing nightmare to the forefront of the minds of others and that is to SPEAK out in the capacity that we can.

 

Say No More

Say No More


1 Comment

Almost Forgot……


Say No More

Tap on the poster and go right to the link or reblog, retweet, FB or all three.  🙂

There is only one way to break the silence and bring this ever growing nightmare to the forefront of the minds of others and that is to SPEAK out in the capacity that we can.

 

 

 


9 Comments

Say No More


April is No more to sexual assault month.  Please feel free to reblog, retweet, FB or all three.

There is only one way to break the silence and bring this ever growing nightmare to the forefront of the minds of others and that is to SPEAK out in the capacity that we can.

Say No More

Say No More


4 Comments

Say No More to Sexual Assault


Please feel free to reblog, retweet, FB or all three.

There is only one way to break the silence and bring this ever growing nightmare to the forefront of the minds of others and that is to SPEAK out in the capacity that we can.

 

Say No More

Say No More


58 Comments

The Night the Lights Went Out *Trigger Warning*


I’ve been working on this post for several days.  It is the single most difficult post I’ve made.  It is my hope that in the end you will have found it to be encouraging.

Raw unadulterated emotion reduced me to a fragmented heap in every sense of the word as *Jon’s* lawyer ripped what was left from my heart and soul. He condemned his prey to death with the stealth and viciousness of a Leopard; I could hear Jon’s words creep like the grim reaper from his lips and into my thoughts exacting a cruel and hefty price for my defiance. The courtroom, packed with onlookers, stifled the air. They needed no oracle to see all of the destruction; the gruesomeness overpowered their urge to turn their heads.

Streaming tears gave way to guttural groans; breath escaped me; heaving and gasping my composure fled. My defenses hemorrhaged onto the stand, as the predator circled and clawed ferociously ending me with ease. Gravity weighted me to the seat, I couldn’t stand under it’s supremacy. I buckled under the pressure and gasps escaped from the (now) audience in the courtroom

 

Granted supervised visitation, I met with my children every weekend. The release I’d felt when I left my abusive environment quickly turned from hope to hopeless.  My health and mind quickly declined; depression settled like a black stormy cloud. The gnawing, deep seeded pain, no longer tolerable, drove me down into the hell of hopelessness. The wish for a shove or a slap and even death replaced the desire to survive. Alone and rejected by everyone I relied on, I screamed into the void, my voice went unheard. In my mind, recourse did not exist. I’d failed at every attempt to retrieve my children and now the desire to rescue myself no longer existed.

 

I couldn’t divert my eyes from the bottle of pills on the coffee table. It somehow drifted into my consciousness incessantly, calling my name. The harsh unrelenting words and actions of Jon over the past 19 years cut like a knife. The memory of his attorney’s assault invaded my senses and I questioned my sanity. The cries of my children and their inability to cope formed the final bullets of death.

Separated, mind from body, I took the bottle into my hand, I stared into it’s eye and it stared back at me. It understood what I had to do, it invited me. I twisted off the cap and 20 or 30 pills spilled into my hand, they seemed to sparkle like jewels. I answered their call and swallowed them down a few at a time and then 30 more. I did not seem to be in control of my body, it was moving through the actions without my consent.

 

Three days later, I found myself drifting in and out of consciousness unable to move. My hands, tied to rails on either side of the bed, ached. A respirator effected the rise and fall of my chest. The hospital room was cold and sterile and the machines played a lulling song. I could hear my own heartbeat on the monitors; silent tears rolled down my face.

I returned to my mother’s a week or so after my suicide attempt and still I never sought help.  I returned to Jon and my children a few months after that. I grew angry and insolent as time passed and even contemplated another suicide attempt. I didn’t follow through because of one simple act of kindness. Someone reached out to me and spoke living words into my heart. Those words ignited my hope into a fire that would give me the courage to ask for help.

I went to a rehab/shelter, told my story and it was heard.  I knew then that if I’d reached out to the right people I could have prevented such an awful act of violence against myself along with untold suffering.

They called outside resources to come in and provide counseling concerning Domestic Violence. I was given a plan with local resources, the hope to fight and the strength to win. It was a welcome reprieve, a place of strengthening, encouragement, and acceptance. I was safer and freer than I’d been in a very long time.

Three years later, one year ago, my children and I walked out for the last time. We received therapy and I’m blessed in their presence and living the life of a survivor. Many good and bad things happened in that three year interim and I reached out for help.

While the reasons for our pain may be different, one fact will remain the same; heartache is, at times, intolerable to bear without help.  The choice to reach out to someone in my desperation saved my life and the lives of my children; I hold firm to that belief.

I’ve included a national suicide hot line link here. I also have resources and help links at the top of my blog page for those struggling with Domestic Violence.

Don’t suffer in silence.  Reach out.

 

 

 

 

 

 


16 Comments

No More


Love ya’ll.

Please feel free to reblog, retweet, FB or all three.

There is only one way to break the silence and bring this ever growing nightmare to the forefront of the minds of others and that is to SPEAK out in the capacity that we can.

Say No More

Say No More


12 Comments

Don’t Get Too Close To The Fox She Might Feel Threatened. Especially If She Is Screaming.


I know I said I was “out”. But I’d forgotten my daily commitment for the NO MORE campaign.

I am completely overwhelmed by all the love and support from ALL of you.  Thank you for reaching out with your hearts and positive energy.  While reading your comments, I found this jewel, an answer to my ever so curious mind, by way of Ivy_Mosquito in my comment box on “What Do I Say?”

This young lady’s blog is awesome, I wish you’d go check her out.  Specially if you want to know what the fox  really says.

****************

I love ya’ll.

Say No More

Say No More

 

 


42 Comments

Do Ya’ll Want To Know The Truth?


The day before my escape from the war zone that had been my life, I ran to my neighbor’s house with my children for safety.

The week prior to my court date I asked my neighbors to testify to what they’d seen.

Their answer?

“It ain’t none of our business, we remain neutral.”

My 12 year old son had to testify, because of course, I’m crazy.

Three months before abandoning EVERY fuckin’ thing, social workers were sent to our home to determine why our children hadn’t been to school.

His reply?

“I worked Black Ops, I don’t even exist. I know ya’ll have an agenda here, I’m a human lie detector, now what are you really doin’ here.”  The only black op he’d ever seen was in his own black soul.

The week prior to my court date I paid a little visit to said social workers and asked them to testify.

Their reply?

We don’t recall any such conversation.

Four months prior to my exodus, I hid in the bathroom to call my dad. I stood next to the door so I could hear footsteps. I didn’t, but he was there, listening to my every word, became enraged and kicked the door in. The door put a gash in my forehead. The phone flew from my hands.

His response?

“I told you your mama’s crazy, look what she did to herself, now she wants to blame it on me.”

My response:

W-A-K-E   T-H-E   F-U-C-K   U-P   P-E-O-P-L-E

You want to save the animals, the ozone, the economy,  the fuckin’ trees and while I agree with all that shit, how about you take into consideration that without the fuckin’ woman there’d be no one here to admire all the other shit you’re tryin’ to save.

Three women are killed by their husband/intimate partner/boyfriend EVERY single day.

LEARN SOMETHIN’ ABOUT THIS SHIT.  HUG A VICTIM INSTEAD OF A DAMN TREE.

 

 

 


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Social Media Safety for DV/Stalking Victims


Here is a list of some things you can do to try to stay safe:

  • For any account that you create, use a strong password that no one could figure out and keep it private.  To read more about this, please see What safety steps should I take even if I think the abuser does NOT have access to my email account?
  • Limit the amount of identifying information you use, like your birth date, address, full name, etc. (This step can also help prevent identity theft.)
  • Be careful about what you post!  Consider the articles you post to your profile, the pictures you put in an online album, or any status updates that indicate where you are at the moment (such as “checking in” at a restaurant) or where you are headed (such as a vacation destination).  These types of posts can reveal a lot about you: your interests, your whereabouts, and your future plans, which can lead to someone finding you.
  • Log out of your account by clicking “log out” after each session on your social media page.  Do not simply close the browser, as it does not always log you out of your account, which would then be viewable by any other user of the computer.

womens.law.org


3 Comments

Is the fight against domestic violence in crisis?


I am happy to say that Avalanche of the Soul, also known as StrongerSoulSurvivor, whom I affectionately refer to as Triple S, has given me permission to Press this article.  She is indeed a strong advocate for domestic violence and has brought up a vital issue requiring our attention.

Together we can make a difference.

Is the fight against domestic violence in crisis?.


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PTSD in the Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse


Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Victims of Narcissistic abuse almost always leave the relationship with PTSD and/or C-PTSD.  These acronyms stand for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

PTSD results from experiencing a devastatingly stressful event or series of events.  C-PTSD is similar, resulting from persistent psychological trauma within an environment in which the victim believes there’s no possibility of escape.  There is a perceived sense of helplessness and one’s sense of self is annihilated.

Victims of Narcissistic abuse experience both.  Let’s say Judy is in a relationship with a Narcissist.  Because of brainwashing, the breakdown of her friendships, and constant verbal abuse, she now believes she is worthless and no one else would be interested in her.  Additionally, the last two times she tried to leave, she was stalked, harassed, and intimidated until she came back.  In her mind, there is no escape.  She is experiencing C-PTSD.

In addition to the…

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