Teela Hart

Surviving Domestic Violence

Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

34 Comments


That’s me, I’m FINE. It ain’t pretty in here today so for that I’m sorry. Younger or sensitive readers might want to look away.

I suppose that this would be what one might call a dear *Jon* letter if *Jon* was the one gettin’ it. But, he ain’t. The blog is.

There are just a few things I want to say to that son-of-a-bitch. (He always hated it when someone called him that, he took it as a personal slight to his mother; God rest her soul.) She was no bitch; I just get great satisfaction out of knowing that he hates the hell out of it.

I always said that I wouldn’t be like his mother, but what the fuck do you know, I turned out just like her. 19 years with my father-in-law (God rest his soul) and she left him. Some 5 years later, she died with cancer and a few years after that he died. My beef ain’t with them. I’m sorry they were both afflicted with whatever virus infects abusers/victims/survivors.

I wish that I could change all of that shit, but that ain’t gonna happen because it’s a man’s fuckin’ world. Sorry men, but I’m not in the best of moods these days. Try not to take it too personal.

I’m in no mood for moving poems, poetic phrases or words, wit, read between the lines bullshit and I for sure ain’t here to paint a pretty fucking picture. The whole godamned thing is a revolting, stomach churning, pathetic ranting of someone who’s just FINE.

*Jon*

Why the fuck did you do this to me? I’ve lost everything and have nothing left but this fucked up life that I’m gonna have to box up into tiny parts and ship to some un-fucking-known part of this shitty little world I live in and start all over again.

I take particular offense to that Jon.

I don’t like it at all. The kids don’t like it. Nobody particularly likes going into hiding and looking over their shoulder at every turn. I’m pretty sure I’m right about that.

You are really gonna go fuckin’ ballistic when I skip town with your kids in tow because you couldn’t keep your dicked up ego in check.

I loved your sorry motherfucking ass, and a very, very tiny little part still does and I hate your motherfucking ass for that too.

I gave you EVERYTHING you wanted, I told you EVERY ONE OF MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS and you used them against me.

I no longer have anyone to lift heavy boxes and open jars and shit and I’m pissed about that.

I had to change my own oil in the jeep and I’m really pissed about that too.

If someone talks shit to me on the street I have to MAN UP and I’m a fuckin’ woman and I’m pissed about that.

I have to change my own flat tires and I’m superbly pissed about that.

I have to haul in the groceries, put them away and cook ’em and that really burns my ass.

You have the fucking nerve to call 30 times a damn day and if I don’t answer, you’re at my fuckin’ door.

I can’t take it anymore man, I can’t take it, it’s killing me slowly.

That’s funny ain’t it y’all?

He’s still killing me. Every minute of every day. Killing me.

With guilt I shouldn’t have to bear.

With fear I shouldn’t have to live with.

With trying to pull magic dust, money, what-the-fuck-ever outta my ass to leave here.

I’m dyin’. Every day. Right before your very eyes.

I hope you’re happy Jon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: Teela Hart

I am a mother, daughter, sister and domestic violence survivor.

34 thoughts on “Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

  1. So I believe I mentioned we have a big arse red desert here as well as numerous animals that can kill without even trying. Maybe we should all get together and spring for a one way ticket to the red centre of Oz. Thinking of you even though that doesn’t help an awful lot.

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  2. I’m sorry… Lots of love to you Teela. Stay strong my friend. xx

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  3. ❤ I was just wondering about you again. First and foremost, stay safe. I wish you peace, and a safe place to hide. ❤

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  4. You will be in our thoughts and prayers. ❤

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  5. Getting away is going to be the best (well second best, after ending your relationship with him) thing for you and your kids. I believe women are vastly stronger than men, in the emotional/mental department. Life kicks us down and people fuck us over, and somehow we keep living. Keep moving forward Tee, you can do this. I know it’s rough, and it’s gonna take years to fully extract him from your heart, feelings, and regular thoughts. But you’re going to come through this, and so are your kids. *hugs*

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  6. ” I’m sorry they were both afflicted with whatever virus infects abusers/victims/survivors.” Putting victims and abusers into the same category? What the fucking fuck? This is wrong! As a survivor of abuse i feel very insulted! About this john you describe the whole thing smells psychopath to me. And it is time to accept it happened but you won’t let a loser exploiter dictate your life and feelings any more!

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    • There are no cures for viruses as you know and it was simply a metaphor to explain the insidious nature of DV. It affects everyone involved and when you have children and legalities involved you don’t simply say oh well and move on.
      Your comment was unnecessarily rude and I don’t take too kindly to that so please check yourself.
      If you read something you didn’t understand ……and clearly you didn’t understand the dynamics to my “virally infected” life as well as my children’s lives it’s best to simply state that without so much hostility.
      I do understand that hostility is an un-intended consequence of surviving DV.
      I wish you all the best but this blog is how I express and deal with my issues.
      That’s what it’s there for and it is my right. If you do not have the where-with-all to maintain your temper I invite you not to read my blog. That is YOUR right.

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  7. no words of wisdom, or sappy poems for you honey! I know that douche bag sorry son of a bitch is killing you, he’s killing your spirit. How do you hang in there so you can escape to freedom? by doing exactly what you are……because you have that freedom {physical freedom} to look forward to, however you achieve it. the mental and emotional hell is a different beast all together. call or text me, i’m here for you! love & hugs

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  8. I think the incandescent letter is a bloody good sign, Teela, because you have every RIGHT to feel furious with him, and you also have every right to express your emotions however you want to. No, you should not be having to ship out; no, you should not be having to do any of it, and my heart goes out to you; it really does. You are a Warrior Woman protecting your tribe from Narcissistic Rage and endless rhetoric – and, one day, you WILL be free. Hugs, Ali xxx

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  9. Sorry you’ve been driven to such frustration, Teela. We aren’t all like him.

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  10. My dear friend Tee,
    I have no words of wisdom, there aren’t any. Know I’m here for you anytime 24/7. Hugs. I’ll say extra prayers for you and the kids.

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  11. i can remember using the F.I.N.E. thing when in AA.

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  12. so good to get this out.
    hope it helps.
    G.

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  13. I know it is easy for me to say, but hang in there. Be strong..

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  14. I feel like that, too. Too much influence, whether by precautions to take, or by his absence, is still felt. I don’t want him to have any power, ever again, over me. But I am father and mother to these children, and I feel it every day that I raise them and protect them.

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  15. Feeling it with you sister…it sucks having to take on all the responsibility-and the kids-the assholes are so stupid and selfish they don’t care about their own kids! (((Hugs))) ❤

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