Teela Hart

Surviving Domestic Violence

What the Hell is Trust?

47 Comments


I’ve been given an assignment for the day week month year foreseeable future by a good friend and confidante Tela and I have to say that it’s not one I really care to participate in, as once again, I must look inside myself and pull out some ugly shit.Β  However, I believe it is something I must address in order to grow into my new self.Β  Thank you Tela for being pushy. I need it.Β  πŸ™‚

The wrecking ball responsible for reducing this foundation of trust into a pile of brick and mortar is termed abuse, which comes in many forms. While I experienced physical abuse, more often than not, I was the victim of gaslighting as well.

***

The following, are words on a page:

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory or perception thereby causing the victim to question their own sanity. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous incidents ever occurred, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of confusing the victim.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the play “Gas Light” and its film adaptations. Today it is used in clinical and research literature. Wikipedia.

***

The spit required to initiate the catabolic process of this word is severely hampered by the chemical toxicity (bullshit) of the act itself. Why on God’s green earth would anyone choose to be so toxic to his or her fellow man/woman? What provokes the idiotic, egotistical, maniacal, exuberance in such an individual? I suppose I don’t really give a rat’s ass to know the what’s, when’s, how’s, and why’s of such anymore.

I’ve stepped out into my own and it is of great comfort to me to know that I can recognize it again if need be. I have no desire to be “lit” up again and if such an act of lunacy is attempted, I believe I will be able to recognize the match for what it is. Let there be no mistake that I will extinguish that motherfucker before I go up in flames.

(Mini rant over)

The following is gaslighting is all it’s corrosive glory:

 

Ingrid Bergman had been “lit” up by her husband and was on her way to the madhouse, until he was busted.Β  Reasons?Β  Doesn’t matter.

Back to the questions:

The cure for atrustolee, (no trust)?

After my arm had been paralyzed I was forced to go to PT and put tiny golf tees in tiny holes, my fine motor skills resembled that of a child trying to grasp cheerios from the table for the first time.Β  I was clumsy and awkward; it took all of my concentration to be able to make a fist.Β  The arm itself was extremely hypersensitive to any sort of touch.Β  I had to pull and stretch muscles I’d protected from the pain.Β  It was a long, painful and mostly irritating experience.Β  I was relentless in regaining the use of my arm because without it I would never be able to function normally again.Β  Machines and therapists surrounded me at each visit to assist in my dubious recovery.

The issue of trust isn’t any different.Β  It will be required that I use muscles I’ve tucked away for safe keeping.Β  It will most likely cause pain at some juncture and I will be awkward and unsure about it.Β  Relentlessness will be required once more in order to regain the tone and use of my trust muscle.Β  My heart is hypersensitive to any random touch and I find myself once again, surrounded by machines and therapists to assist in my dubious recovery.Β  At this point, I am trying to place those tiny golf tees into tiny holes all over again.Β  Mark my words; before it’s over I’ll be brushing my own hair and living life to it’s full extent.

Thank you for all of your support.Β  I mean that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: Teela Hart

I am a mother, daughter, sister and domestic violence survivor.

47 thoughts on “What the Hell is Trust?

  1. Pingback: A Win-Win-Fin Resolution (Gaslight Haiku) | 21 Shades of Blue

  2. just shared it on fb….hard to imagine somebody going through something like this…but i do hope you end up living a kick ass life… good luck and keep inspiring people πŸ™‚

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  3. I too have trust issues. I am working on learning to trust myself. Even that is hard work but a start. By trusting myself I mean trusting my own judgements and my own decisions and keeping my own promises to myself. the last one is the most difficult.

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    • Keeping promises to myself is also my most difficult task. But like you said, it’s a start. I believe once we get that one down, we can stroll through the rest of our trust issues with much more ease.
      Being kind to ourselves is the most difficult I agree.

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  4. Having just read your post and everyone’s comments makes me want to wave a magic wand and just ‘make it all better,’ but from what I see, your (and the others’) indomitable spirit is alive and well and on the way to completely healing. You’ve climbed the mountain, now it’s time to stand tall, feel the wind in your hair and plant that flag of accomplishment on the summit. I’ve heard it said that even a rose needs shit to grow. You, my dear Teela are a stunning bouquet.

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    • Donna,
      I do wish I had a magic wand. Maybe you can do a post about a magic wand. We can dream πŸ™‚
      I do appreciate you reading my “stuff”, but appreciate seems like such a sterile word. I don’t have the right words for all the support I get here from you and others.
      “Even a rose needs shit to grow”, Ha Ha….I like that. πŸ™‚
      Your words are so kind and I take every one to heart.
      ❀

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  5. Even with wanting to believe I’m going through a spiritual awakening of sorts, reading this makes me want to deliver some justice.

    There are all sorts of things rolling through my mind, but it brings satisfaction to know that there will be a major Karmic delivery one day with his address on it.

    Praying for you…

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    • Thank you Kim.
      I appreciate you reading it. Your words have helped me through some tough days. I hope you know that.
      I have many more ahead, but I’m so glad I have a place to go.
      We don’t have support groups in my area, but I’ve found it here and I’m forever grateful for it.
      Karma will prevail. It never fails.
      Thank you for your prayers and my thoughts are with you as well.

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  6. My dear friend~ this post made me tear up! I KNOW how painful it was/still is to dig deep inside and start pulling those ‘demons’ out placed by your Ex. I cannot put into words how proud of you I am! You are making those steps that so many fail to do and therefore continue to stay in the abusive relationship. You were in the den of hell for 19 long years, and ESCAPED, literally, with just the clothes on your back! Your personal experience, you words of knowledge is so valuable to so many! Thank you! For sharing your knowledge! Thank you! for letting me be your friend! And thank you! for simply being you! I love you girlfriend, and I’m so proud of you!! ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    • Now you make me tear up!!!
      I know I’ll fall on my face more often than not, but I also know I have a great friend who will be on the other end for my meltdowns.
      Thank you for that.
      I’m so thankful I found you guys.
      I’m proud to know you.
      Love you ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  7. A really amazing post Tee. I agree with you trust must be earned – let’s not wait for someone to prove themselves unworthy of trust before its withdrawn. At the moment, I’m not sure I’m anywhere near being able to flex that muscle again, but if you’re setting a great example to all of us that are striving to recover.

    By the way, I was gaslit too 😦 Just another way the creatures in human form try to break us down, but this tactic is especially horrible because it got me wondering about my own judgement at one point. The message they want us to get from it is that the truth doesn’t matter – we are supposed to buy into whatever version of reality they choose, regardless. Because they say so. Urgh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My heart is still paralyzed from this gaslighting thing, you guys are my example.
      After I made the post I realized that even though we have our relationships through cyber space, this is some level of trust. We’ve been so violated we may use pen names and we may have to hide our faces for safety’s sake, but still on some level it’s a semblance of trust that we are developing.

      I am so glad I have you and the others. I’d still be walking around in the fog.

      I’m sorry you were “lit” up. It’s insanity they have brought us into. Thank God we don’t have to accept their reality and we can have OUR own reality. The good, the bad and the ugly.

      My WP has had some technical difficulties, I’ve missed a lot of posts by ya’ll. I’d set it so everybody’s post would go to my email and I’m having to go back and redo everything. I don’t know what happened.

      Thank you Triple S. ❀

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      • That’s such an interesting point Tee – never thought of blogging in that way before. You are right, with every post we give trust as we open ourselves up and speak honestly, that our voices will be heard. And with it comes the feeling of risk, I guess, especially when we blog about such deeply personal and traumatic issues as domestic abuse.

        It is hard to take a chance on trust again, but that’s one of many reasons why friends like you make such a difference to me. Each word of encouragement makes me stronger, and braver. Thank you Tee x

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      • Thank you Triple S!!
        That means a lot to me. It really does.
        Were here looking to be heard and we are and we have each other to boot.
        ❀

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  8. Hi Teela, lovely to meet you and read your blog… I love how you write about the ‘gas light’… So true… the abuse energy we receive from others is so dangerous for us…. thank goodness we eventually learn this and realise we can use our own ‘heart and soul light’ that flickers in the very core of ourself… With conscious awareness about our own light it expands, we learn about what we like and desire in our life, we begin to trust ourself… When we learn to trust ourself, we can allow ourself to trust others…. It’s all about loving ourself, people on the outside of us are our reminders, reminding us to love and trust ourself…

    IAM sure we are going to enjoy each others journey creating a most wonderful life for ourselves, because it is in our hands, no one else’s… Barbara x

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  9. Yeah look here Kiddo don’t you dare get “lit” again. That is some serious bullshit and for those that do it a special corner in a very bad place. You amaze me everyday with the stuff you put on here. Keep up the awareness. You are Amazing.

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    • You know Jeremy, I really appreciate your support. You never fail to make me feel a little more at ease with what I’m doing and I just can’t thank you enough.
      There have been a few who tried to light me up and it took a few minutes to realize it.
      But, I promise you I’ll stay un- charred. πŸ™‚

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      • AttaGirl I know you got more strength than all of us.

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      • I want to make a post about my suicide attempt and link back to your blog. Is that alright with you?
        I also made a post when I first started, which was only a couple of months ago “One of Our Sons.”
        His death was ruled suicide, but I believe it was murder. So, that’s how I wrote it.
        If it was suicide, it was due to gaslighting. And that in my eyes is murder.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You bet you can. The more that we are able to tell our stories the better. But to be able to share in it together and help each other. Please do Teela. Welcome it

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      • Thanks Jeremy.
        I’ll let you know when I get ready to post it.
        πŸ™‚

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      • Looking forward to it.

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  10. Have to say – I have massive trust issues. Not with my husband thank goddess but outside of our little world I find it very hard to trust others and sadly I often just don’t want to. It’s a very good analogy you have made here about muscle and exercise and I will give it some thought but I’m not really sure that I WANT to change.

    What I don’t know and what I obviously need to figure out is my fear determining my wants or is it simply that regardless of how ‘well’ I may be that I just don’t really want to trust more than the handful of people that I do now.

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    • I believe it’s nothing but wise to be selective with something so valuable as trust. I believe it has to be earned. I was told growing up that you trust until you’re given a reason not to.
      I don’t agree anymore, I believe that trust must be earned. And then you give it.
      I am super sensitive, in that I take things the wrong way. I’m too suspicious.
      There are times when hyper vigilance is good and there are times when it’s not.
      I’m particularly broken because there are times I don’t trust even those closest to me. I have to work on this.
      You seem to have a very good idea of what you want. And that’s good.
      Thank you for sharing that with me. ❀

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  11. The healing journey is a long one. This is a good place to release it…among others who have been, and perhaps are still in that place…struggling to move out of the fog and fire! As a lover of learning, I actually found the movie on the internet and watched it a few times while taking notes of all the things I experienced! Coming out of the controlling relationship, I found I no longer knew how to relate to others on a personal and authentic level. I felt worthless and unlovable…it is still a throwback feeling at times, but I fight my way back every time! I will slowly be releasing my hurt right beside youπŸ’›πŸ’™πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you AoA….I can appreciate that. I watched it a couple of times myself in an attempt to absorb it all. I was quite enlightened.
      It’s good to have the safety here to release it. And I’m happy you are here beside me.
      Hugs ❀

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  12. Gosh I never knew the word for it, but gaslighting, yeah I know that. It was an incident of this that made me begin to unravel about 2 years ago! Probably in a very different scenarios, it wasn’t by a ‘partner’, but I had lived through many, MANY, years of it, a lifetime actually, before I forced myself to change things. Then everything else unravelled with it. Oh gosh, I feel quite emotional hearing a word for it aside from the term ’emotional abuse’ that I usually use. Thank you for sharing yourself my lovely. Thank you for being you xxx

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    • Thank you Mariann,
      You have no idea how much that means to me.
      I’m glad it helped you to bring the word into sight.
      It does make it easier to swallow and deal with.
      I read it on a blog I can’t remember. There are quite a few on this lovely word. .
      You can google it too.
      You do my heart good. ❀

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      • I will look it up, probably not right now, it feels like enough to have found the word for now and more might stir up a bit too much for the moment, but I definitely will soon. It’s strange what a word or a term can do isn’t it, in both settling us and unsettling us – I think some of the more powerful do both at different times! You do my heart good to my dear…so much good ❀

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  13. Thanks for bringing up gaslighting. That was the worst part of it, for me. I would rather be hit than lit.

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  14. Wow, intense 😦 Sounds similar to some of the things I was recounting to you about experiencing myself, in my email. Did you write this post having read it and with it in mind at all? I’d never heard of gaslighting, besides the name of the band Gaslight Anthem!

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    • I actually wrote it prior to reading your email. I just finished reading and hadn’t had the opportunity to respond. So that may be an answer to what you mentioned in the email.
      I never knew of the term either before I landed here however, I have a Doctorate in the experience. 😦
      That being said, I will get back to you on the email.
      I stumbled upon Gaslight Anthem during my research over the last couple of weeks. πŸ™‚

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  15. Tela’s right. The only way you are going to get through it is by digging down and cleaning house. Confront the demons and don’t let them live in your heart. They don’t deserve the beauty that’s there. I love you. You are strong, and you are brave, and you can do this. We all got you.

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    • You always seem to know what to say. I love that about you. Thank you Amy, I love you too. I mean that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think deep down I know what to say because even though the flesh of our stories may differ, the outlines, the suffering, and the battles are pretty close. I am you and you are me.

        Also, I wanted to mention that I think it’s important not only for yourself but for other survivors (and maybe some still current victims) who come here to be reminded that gaslighting is real…. that it is a tactic put into practice by so many abusers, and that it isn’t us who is crazy. No person other than a broken, twisted, wreck inflicts THIS CRUELTY upon someone who has only done their best to love them and correct things they are being told are broken in them but really aren’t. Since I put up my post several months ago I have seen this mentioned more and more…. Not because I had any influence, but we survivors have this uncanny knack of being on the same wavelength. The more we address it and put it out there, the more we can help others get more sanity and peace back.

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      • You know? I do believe that. We are each other in every sense of the word. Every story I read is a different version of mine. I guess that puts us on the same wavelength.
        I probably read your post on gaslighting when I first arrived here and before I got here, I’d never heard the word. I’d experienced it, but I didn’t know it had an actual name.
        I’ve learned a lot about the terms used to describe the things I experienced.
        I found the movie clip on Wiki when I got the reference 2 weeks ago.
        I think it shows the maddening experience first hand.
        I just can not pick apart the words. I’m a visual learner…..lol
        Thank you Amy. ❀

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