Teela Hart

Surviving Domestic Violence


47 Comments

What the Hell is Trust?


I’ve been given an assignment for the day week month year foreseeable future by a good friend and confidante Tela and I have to say that it’s not one I really care to participate in, as once again, I must look inside myself and pull out some ugly shit.  However, I believe it is something I must address in order to grow into my new self.  Thank you Tela for being pushy. I need it.  🙂

The wrecking ball responsible for reducing this foundation of trust into a pile of brick and mortar is termed abuse, which comes in many forms. While I experienced physical abuse, more often than not, I was the victim of gaslighting as well.

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The following, are words on a page:

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory or perception thereby causing the victim to question their own sanity. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous incidents ever occurred, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of confusing the victim.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the play “Gas Light” and its film adaptations. Today it is used in clinical and research literature. Wikipedia.

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The spit required to initiate the catabolic process of this word is severely hampered by the chemical toxicity (bullshit) of the act itself. Why on God’s green earth would anyone choose to be so toxic to his or her fellow man/woman? What provokes the idiotic, egotistical, maniacal, exuberance in such an individual? I suppose I don’t really give a rat’s ass to know the what’s, when’s, how’s, and why’s of such anymore.

I’ve stepped out into my own and it is of great comfort to me to know that I can recognize it again if need be. I have no desire to be “lit” up again and if such an act of lunacy is attempted, I believe I will be able to recognize the match for what it is. Let there be no mistake that I will extinguish that motherfucker before I go up in flames.

(Mini rant over)

The following is gaslighting is all it’s corrosive glory:

 

Ingrid Bergman had been “lit” up by her husband and was on her way to the madhouse, until he was busted.  Reasons?  Doesn’t matter.

Back to the questions:

The cure for atrustolee, (no trust)?

After my arm had been paralyzed I was forced to go to PT and put tiny golf tees in tiny holes, my fine motor skills resembled that of a child trying to grasp cheerios from the table for the first time.  I was clumsy and awkward; it took all of my concentration to be able to make a fist.  The arm itself was extremely hypersensitive to any sort of touch.  I had to pull and stretch muscles I’d protected from the pain.  It was a long, painful and mostly irritating experience.  I was relentless in regaining the use of my arm because without it I would never be able to function normally again.  Machines and therapists surrounded me at each visit to assist in my dubious recovery.

The issue of trust isn’t any different.  It will be required that I use muscles I’ve tucked away for safe keeping.  It will most likely cause pain at some juncture and I will be awkward and unsure about it.  Relentlessness will be required once more in order to regain the tone and use of my trust muscle.  My heart is hypersensitive to any random touch and I find myself once again, surrounded by machines and therapists to assist in my dubious recovery.  At this point, I am trying to place those tiny golf tees into tiny holes all over again.  Mark my words; before it’s over I’ll be brushing my own hair and living life to it’s full extent.

Thank you for all of your support.  I mean that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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