Teela Hart

Surviving Domestic Violence

Eagle's Wings

Why does she stay?

20 Comments


I’ve heard the statement, “if my husband laid a hand on me I would be out the door,” or some other similar statement.
Full of self confidence and naivety, I’ve made that statement myself.

On gathering the bricks and mortar to build my new foundation, I discovered a question I’d never noticed before.

“How can we possibly leave?”    -Linda A. Osmundson

I hadn’t realized it until today that following one disastrous failure that nearly ended my life; sprawled out on Eagle’s wings I soared.

I have chosen today to thank God for that ability because for 19 years it escaped my grasp by many treacherous miles.   -Me

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Author: Teela Hart

I am a mother, daughter, sister and domestic violence survivor.

20 thoughts on “Why does she stay?

  1. This is an incredibly powerful statement. I had an ex who was very controlling and quite angry and abusive towards me but it wasn’t until months after I’d been apart from him that I saw our relationship for what it really was and never again would I judge people for not leaving their perpetrators of violence. It sounds like you have some amazing strength. I wish you all the best in the world

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  2. For 5 years I couldn’t leave or get rid of what I call “the evil ex”, sometimes, might makes right and sometimes, if you get told something often enough, you begin to believe it. My last words to the evil ex were “you’d better start running ‘cos I’m coming down with the bear mace”, that was the only language he understood. After years of counselling & re-parenting myself, I can now recognise an abusive person before I get too involved & have vowed to never again allow anybody to treat me the way I was treated for those 5 years. And although he’s been gone from my life for over 5 years, I still have nightmares and other issues stemming from this relationship. I feel for anybody stuck in an abusive situation. Thank you for writing this & thank you for creating this blog, a lot of people need to know, they are not alone.

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    • Thank you Arita.
      I appreciate you sharing your story. There is nothing more wrong than one human degrading and debasing another in the way I’ve seen. I am sorry you went through that, but I am glad that you were able to get out and grow and can now recognize the evil beforehand.
      I am so glad my story spoke to you and I appreciate your sharing nomore week.
      Teela

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  3. I think to a lot of people it’s cut and dry. They treat you badly/put their hands on you, you leave. They don’t understand the conditioning, Stockholm syndrome, etc that the victims/survivors go through. Most don’t realize that it’s just as dangerous, if not more, after leaving. It might easier for some not to think about these horrible things. Thank goodness you got out. Thank you for sharing your experience.

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  4. The reason W-H-Y the abused can’t leave the abuser is because s/he is made to believe that s/he can’t be without the other person, thus, trapping oneself, even deeper, in the cycle of abuse, and, it takes EVEN MORE courage, to finally take the first STEP away, from the interaction style that one had gotten so used to.

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    • Yes, exactly, that is the reason it took me 19 years to finally leave. The question “why does she stay” elicits both anger and guilt in me. On the one hand, how could anyone ask that question and on the other, the question flew through my own mind before it happened to me.
      It was for these reasons I included the quote from Ms. Osmundson.
      Thank you for taking the time to share. 🙂
      Thank you taking time to share with me. 🙂

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  5. I cannot tell you how many times I was asked that question! To make matters worse, my abuser was my father and I was a grown woman. To them, I had no reason to stay. To them, I “wanted” the abuse, I wanted attention. It is so easy to judge and assume. Leaving is the hardest thing to do. When I physically left him, everyone assumed all was okay but emotionally I was still implicitly tied to him. Thank you for following me, I am sorry you too have suffered but thank you for sharing your story. Ros 🙂

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    • A painful question to be asked indeed.
      One never wants to be abused, it is a ridiculous question.
      Physical removal and mental removal are for sure two very different things first comes the one and the other is equally elusive.
      Abuse is abuse, no matter the perpetrator, the effects are equally as devastating and broken is broken.
      Thank you for taking the time to reply and following my blog as well. 🙂

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  6. It is to easy for society, or people who have never experienced life with a sociopath/psychopath to pass judgement….however, no one knows the road of hell we have been on better than ourselves! Great post!!

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  7. A great point. Maybe if we all turned the question ‘Why stay?’ around we’d see new insights. And maybe we’d get away from society’s overt and subtle victim-blaming, too.

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  8. I will tell you for sure, it is not hard to leave and once you leave it is still hard. I hope you enjoy your view when you soar. I too cringe at times when people say that but now I think to myself, let us hope you do find the door should your husband ever lay a hand on you. Good for you Teela for having the courage to blog.

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  9. Awesome post. You are so right. It is hard to leave… for so many reasons. I praise God for giving you the strength to soar!!

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