Teela Hart

Surviving Domestic Violence

Prescription-Drugs

The World Continued to Turn

10 Comments


It is true.  I married an abusive narcissist.  It was a poor decision; however, in my defense he presented himself very well.  He was a kind, humble, Christian, man looking for a kind, humble, Christian woman.  It seemed only logical that we join forces, forming a kind, humble, Christian couple.

The problem came, when after 2 weeks of marriage, he revealed to me that he was a member of the KKK, and a prospect for the Hell’s Angels.  The fact that he was trying to be a better person and move on from these things gave way for the compulsion to overlook these horrifying confessions.

After picking up my jaw from the floor, he declared yet another unspeakable revelation.  “I almost killed my ex-girlfriend; I was choking the life out of her and my brother broke a Pepsi bottle over my nose to get me to let her go.  But she was a crazy bitch; she attacked me first and talked trash about my daddy.”

He went on.  “Please believe me, I’m a changed man.  I will quit the KKK and the Hell’s Angels and I will never, ever, ever, put my hands on you in anger.  My father used to beat me like a grown man when I was a child, I will never forget what he said as he beat me with clothes hangers and drop cords, ‘son, I am going to beat you as hard as God will let me.’”  “  I will never do that to my children and I could never do that to you.”

My heart broke into pieces for Jon as I imagined him a small, defenseless, child battered at the hands of a full-grown man.  Jon’s mother left his father after 19 years of marriage, and proclaimed the whole time that his father had never struck his mother.  I, in turn hated his mother, who had already passed, for allowing her son and herself to suffer such abuse and I hated his father for perpetrating it. I had no idea I would be Jon’s mother one day.

I could not understand why a neighbor did not tell someone, or why family members never intervened, or why his mother did not leave long before 19 years had gone by.  I wanted to help Jon.  I wanted to make him better.  I wanted him to know what it felt like to be loved by someone who would never hurt him.  I believed in the power of God to heal his wounds and so I proceeded on the rescue mission facing me.

I ignored the red flags, I turned a blind eye to his shenanigans and my children and I paid a hefty price that will likely haunt us for the rest of our lives.

Upon realizing that no amounts of love, assurances, yes sirs and no sirs, perfect housekeeping, or perfect “wifing” would ever make a difference with Jon , I felt destitute.  He continued to berate and abuse me; several times, he actually slapped my face while getting ready for church and loved me like a princess in the presence of the church family.

Alone in the bed, I had made for myself, destitute and suffering both physically and emotionally, I made the fateful decision to medicate not only my physical pains but also my emotional pains.  I found that my painkillers worked wonders for numbing the insatiable anguish dwelling deep within.  I no longer belonged to my children, my husband, or myself.  I now belonged to a new lover.  One that was always present down that dark desert highway.

The world continued to turn and I sank lower than I could have ever imagined.  Angrily, I survived many attempts to end my life and after two coma’s and a final decision to do it “right” this time I called the pharmacy to inform them I would be there the next day to pick up my bottle of 240 pain pills.  In my mind, I had twelve hours to live, therefore, I curled up in a fetal position underneath my blood red throw.  However, as fate would have it, a tiny hand touched my shoulder and the words, “I need you Mommy” pierced my heart (See “I need you Mommy”).

The following day I took myself to rehab, detoxed my drug-ridden body, and hashed my plans to escape the streets of hell that Jon had so carefully constructed just for me.

If I could do it all over again, I would have pulled myself up by my bootstraps, flushed the drugs down the toilet and I would have run, and run hard, and I would have never looked back.

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Author: Teela Hart

I am a mother, daughter, sister and domestic violence survivor.

10 thoughts on “The World Continued to Turn

  1. Pingback: The World Continued to Turn [how Others Stories Help Me To Regain My Bearings As It Does]o | wonderfulshantelle

  2. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    CHRISTIANS, TOO, ARE NOT PERFECT AND MUST ADVOCATE FOR THEMSELVES AND WORK THROUGH HARD DECISIONS. dOING (AND SHARING) THIS TAKES REAL COURAGE.

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  3. wow. I am so sorry that you have been through this .Yes, I have experienced these lies of a “Christian man”. It is amazing the deception that these narcissist are able to juggle. I will be praying for you.

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    • Thank you. I know it is not God’s fault, but I prayed for 19 years with no help no answer no God. I have been very weary. He also used God to punish me. The name of God makes me cringe at times. I know it’s wrong, but I just can’t go there without bitterness. But God directed me here and since then several Christians have made contact. There must be a reason for that.
      Thank you, obviously I need your prayers. I don’t think he hears mine.

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      • Teela, I totally understand how you feel. I did not think God heard me either. In fact, I really felt that I was being punished for disobedience. You see, I was warned by true Godly people but I went by what he told me, not God through friends and family. I blamed myself for ignoring warnings. But in my brokenness, I started crying out to God and praying 2 prayers in particular… The Lord’s Prayer and Psalm 91.. crying out for His Kingdom to come and crying out for the protection of Psalm 91. I can only tell you that God revealed Himself to me and I pray that He will do the same for you. I can tell you that God knows how broken you are and weary. He knows you are angry and bitter. He knows everything in your heart including every wound that has been inflicted. He loves you more than you know. He has revealed His love for the broken to me and I wrote it in a posting one day and I will leave you the link. God had me write a book about what I went through and how He saved me. The Walking Wounded is available on my website and I would encourage you to read it. I was deceived in a abusive marriage for over 22 years. I really do know how you feel. You are being abused in every way including spiritual abuse… but remember, God is not about religion. God is about a relationship. Your husband can quote the Bible all that he wants.. but as you draw near to God, He will draw near to you and protect you. Talk to God like a Friend sitting next to you drinking coffee. Develop a relationship just talking to HIm. He knows your thoughts anyway. He is not angry with you. He loves you!! Here is that posting… I will be praying that God will touch your heart and draw you near to Him. Many blessings my sweet sister!!
        http://secretangelps911.wordpress.com/2014/02/04/gods-love-for-victims-of-abuse-psalm-1473-6/

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      • Crying now. Thank you!!
        I am about to make a post that will help you understand a little more.

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      • I did not mean to make you cry. I just know how you feel and I know what God has showed me. He rescued me when I did not know that I needed rescuing. He does not want us abused. Remember, He loves the brokenhearted… any you, my friend, are brokenhearted. I will keep praying for you!

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  4. …sorry sweetie… hugs xoxo

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